Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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