if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
