I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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