Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
