the day after is always just damage control
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
