The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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