I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
