Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
