my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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