I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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