me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
