I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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