thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Randomize
