she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
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