apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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