Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
