Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
