He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
