i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
