I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
