Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you made out with another girl for some wings
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