I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
