the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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