my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Terrible idea I love it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
