the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
