Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
