The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
