While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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