At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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