I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Your penis caused this!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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