You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
