even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
