I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
