When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You need a sexual gate keeper
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
