It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
