i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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