new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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