dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
