Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
