i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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