Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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