he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
