Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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