he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
