I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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