I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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