All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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