I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Barsexuality is the new black.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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