He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
