Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize