i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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