After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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