how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
